Dreaming

I had a dream about you last night.  You looked like you did before you got sick.  Your hair was down and you were sitting on the edge of your bed in your bedroom.  I just ran to you and threw my arms around you and said, "I can't believe you are here!"  I couldn't let you go.  You seemed so happy to see me.

That was the best part of the dream, then all of a sudden Coach purses (which you would NEVER spend the money on) were all over your bedroom and to top it off, you said they were yours!  When I said, maybe they are Brenda's, you scoffed at me and said, "No, they are mine."  You went on and on about how upset you were with dad.

It was definitely a weird dream; I'm not sure where the Coach purses came into play, but I loved seeing you and wrapping my arms around you.

Retrospect

I came in the computer room tonight to sit down and do a little blog stalking, and I ended up stalking my own blog.  I hadn't read this blog in easily 6 months, and now, I know why.  Every post makes me relive what happened almost 11 months ago.  Eleven months...when I say it out loud or type it, in this case, it sounds so weird.  I can't believe you have been gone almost 11 months and I have survived.  When bad things happen, people always say, "Life goes on..."  That really scares me because these past 11 months have proven it to me.

From all of this, my biggest fear is I've only got so much time left.  What if I die young like you and your mom?  I don't want to miss out on Cadence and Corbin raising their  babies, like you will miss out on me raising mine.  It scares me to think of what I would miss because you have already missed so much.  Cadence still talks about you, to this day, and it makes me so happy and sad at the same time.  I remember when I was a kid and I would mention your mom to you.  We didn't talk about her enough, but I think it was mostly because it made you sad to think about her.  It makes me sad to think about you, too.

Corbin looks like you; well, he looks like Justin.  You would have loved him.  He is the sweetest little boy and so opposite of Cadence.  I am not saying that it is bad thing at all; they go together like sweet and sour.  I had no idea how different two kids could be.  Cadence is this dramatic, passionate, hyped up, loving little girl and Corbin is this tough, sweet, and rambunctious little boy.  Cadence is turning into me more and more everyday, which makes us bump heads a lot more often.  Kathy points that out a little too much, and it irritates the shit out of me.

Dad has a girlfriend.  Let me type that again...Dad has a girlfriend, and you know her.  Is that supposed to be weird?  I always have these conflicting emotions because I do like her, but the whole situation is weird.  Let me break this down:

Weird Thing #1 - Dad is dating someone, and its not you
Weird Thing #2 - You knew the woman he is dating and she knew you
Weird Thing #3 - The top two things put together
Weird Thing #4 - I feel ok with it, now

Baby died...I don't even know what to say beyond that.  I thought she would live forever, too long, even, but she didn't.

I sometimes envision what my life would be like right now if you were here and healthy.  I wonder if I would be as anxious as I am all the time.  I am anxious...all the time.  I've always been on the anxious side, but it has seemed to trigger a lot more frequently and lot more easily, and it lasts much, much longer.  I just wish I could sit down with you and have a cup of coffee and tell you about the anxieties I feel about life.  I realize now that anytime I would feel this anxiety, I would just call you and either come out and tell you my anxiety or beat around the bush about it.  I don't even think half the time that's what you thought I was doing, but I've come to realize I did it a lot.  Even if you didn't have anything to say about it or words of advice or wisdom, it just felt good bouncing it off of you.  You always had a way of putting me at ease, and neither of us realized you were doing it.

I have friends, but no one is a better friend than your own mom.  I think its because I always knew that no matter what I said or did, you would stick by me and love me.  There isn't a friend in the world that could do that.  I have some really great friends, but I would never let me shield down enough to say some of the things that I want to say in fear they may judge me or not be in my friend anymore.  You were my very best friend.

How am I supposed to feel?

You've been gone for going on three months now.  How exactly am I supposed to feel at this point?  How would you want me to feel?  There are days that I feel really good, and there are other days that I don't feel that great.  Just about every day I will cry because I miss you so much, but I don't feel sad all day long.

Since you've been gone, it seems like there have already been so many things that have happened.  Things that I never thought would happen at least for a while.  I wish you were here so you could tell me what or how I should feel about them.

Christmas Cookies

I always imagined that we'd be old and gray baking cookies for our kids, grandkids, and great grandkids together.  I imagined that we would be making about twenty gingerbread houses by the time you were at the end of your life.  I never imagined that last year would be the last time you would ever make a gingerbread house or bake cookies.  It is hard thinking about what would have been, should have been and could have been. 

I NEVER imagined that last Christmas was your last Christmas.  It is really hard thinking about what we would have been doing right now had you not been gone.  We would probably be on our third weekend in a row of making cookies.  We made such a good team.  We had a great little system down on baking cookies.  These are going to be the little things that make my heart ache.

I Miss You

Is it bad that even when I come to blog to you I get sad?  I created this as an outlet of my sadness, but even my outlet makes me sad.  I miss you so much, and I need you so much right now.  Is this really my new reality?

I Laughed So Hard...

...that I cried.  I don't think I've done that since you've been gone.  I was watching a new Tim Allen TV show and I know it couldn't have been THAT funny, but I just couldn't stop laughing.  Anytime I laugh that hard, I will always think of you.  We sure did know how to laugh.

Your Favorite Holiday Has Come and Gone

Thanksgiving was not as bad as I thought it would be, but I so wish you could have been here to at the very least enjoy the day with us.  When I saw enjoy the day, I really mean try to enjoy it the best we could without you.  Dad and I started a little after 8:00 am on Thanksgiving morning and made pumpkin cake with cream cheese icing first!  Dad threw in the ham, then we were on a roll.  We got the baked macaroni and cheese (your baked macaroni and cheese) and green bean casserole in a little later. 

I think you would've been proud.  I knew that Dad and I would probably be the ones cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year, but I had thought at the very least you would be in the family room smelling in the goodness waiting for it to be done.  I never thought in a million years that last Thanksgiving was going to be your last, just like all the other birthdays and holidays from the end of last year to October of this year.  I miss you so much everyday and I constantly wonder if I would be disappointing you or making you proud with every action I take.  That's something I did not anticipate.