The Day You Left

I can't get the day you left out of my mind; it feels like it was just yesterday and many years ago all at the same time.  The night you called us in to the hospital to "make your peace" with everyone so to speak, I had never been so scared and in so in denial in all my life.  I really thought that maybe things would just turn around and the whole 1:00 am phone call would have been a funny joke we would talk about later.

After going around the room and telling everyone what a great life you had, even only after 46 years, you looked at me and said, "You look so disappointed."  I knew what you were saying; you thought I was disappointed in you for ending your fight.  Like I told you then, I'm not disappointed in you; I was just disappointed that you were being taken away from me when I needed you the most.  All that day I stayed at the hospital and watched you get worse and worse, but I still thought that all you needed was just a little sleep and everything would be better.  I had no idea how terribly wrong and naive I was.

I don't even know if I can repeat the things that you said to me without breaking down, but I knew that it wasn't you saying them at that it was the beginning of the end.  Dad had told me to go home that night and get some sleep, and I was up immediately the next morning to come rushing back.  When Dad called telling me to bring Cadence to see you, I can't even explain the emotion that went through my whole body.  I can't get the last time Cadence saw you out of my mind; it makes me so grateful and so sad all at the same time.  The look on Dad's face said it all and still does to this day.  Life without you is and was not the same.

I'll never forget the cold feeling I had in my body when Dad said that there was nothing else they could do; I'll never forget the feeling of moving our and your things into "the other room" down the hall.  I'll never forget the looks on the nurses faces when we passed them in the hall.  This was really our life.  I've never cried so hard the moment that your last moments began.  There were lots of moments in between the start of the end to the end that emotions overwhelmed me, but when you did take your last breath a warmth left the room.  It felt so cold and so lonely, and I had no idea how I was going to handle you being gone. 

I need you here to watch me raise my babies.  I need you here to tell me that everything is fine.  I need you here to tell me that I'm going to be fine.