The Things I've Needed to Talk to You About

After you were gone, I immediately thought I needed to ask you what you told me when your parents had died.  I had no idea how to explain to Cadence that she would never see her Memaw again; it still breaks my heart every time I think about the last time she got to see you.  She still asks about you almost everyday, and we always tell her that you are in heaven.  I don't know if heaven even exists, but I figured it would be an easier way for her to understand.  I can't bring myself to say the "D" word to her.  She sees me crying every day, and I know she doesn't understand why.  I just tell her its because I miss her Memaw so much. 

You and I never had a sappy relationship, but we are the best of friends.  I have already needed to pick up the phone so many times to ask you the silliest of questions or to run a thought or opinion by you before I committed to it.  I never realized that every time I got stressed out I called you; I realized this when I could barely even straighten up my house without bursting into tears.  The past few weeks I have actually coped pretty well with everything, but now I feel like its all come to a head. 

Last week I started having contractions and kept begging that baby to come out, and I know you would have told me that the baby will come when its ready.  Well, that baby did come, and HE is here.  Yes, Mom, I said HE!  He's a boy; I wish you could have seen the look on Dad's face when the doctor turned him over.  I wish I could have seen the look on your face, too.  Little Eleanora will have to wait, so we named him Corbin Jo.  Since he's been here, I can't stop thinking about you.  Everything I do, everything I touch, and everything I look at makes me think of you.

I need to call you and tell you how stressed out I am that I have a ton of girls clothes all jammed in different sections of the house and no room for boys clothes.  I need to tell you that I am stressed about picking out a different crib bedding set, especially since you helped me pick out the first one.  I need to tell you that I miss you.  I need to tell you that I just want to see you in your garden again, cleaning up what summer left behind. 

I know it sounds selfish, but I would rather have you here sick that not here at all.  I know the pain you were in and I know that you wanted it to end, but I would give anything to have you here just a little longer.